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A little help from a friendly someone

(Рецензія на твір: all right, автор: Наталка Тактреба)

Miss Natalie, I came back to your poem today. I see it really touched some people, and there's been a discussion around "All right" now. That's good. I guess, if you could allow me to put my oar in on the issue, I would try and help this poem to "come to grips with grammar". So, I can offer a version that is absolutely grammar-friendly, and I tried to change as littel as I could, to leave the original intact as much as possible. In the last verse, however, some tangible change had to be made, but not to sadden you, of course; solely for the sake of poetry. I hope you are not upset with me meddling in your poem, but I did so purely out of a sincere desire to help. Please accept my apologies for anything that could ever bother you in any manner in this matter.
Once again, thanks ever so much for the endeavor and the courage to have that poem posted here.
Sincerely,
Someone who cares
P.S. At present, my name doesn't matter. But my appreciation for your creative writing does.

Here's the revised version:

Oh, who switched off the spring?
And why I cried on day this?
Read oldest Maeterlinck
And whispered, ‘Sun, come back please’

I smoked this loser snow
All right, let winter smile
And start this all-fake show
I felt like a camomile

My little mind was buried
In a dark, expensive hotel
‘cause this day was so weary
And flu laid its hand on my self

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